Of Trembling Hands and Terrible Lies
by zeko.201
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING SPOLIERS After the incident with Shou, Edward has been depressed. But, what happens when Ed finds a not-so-good way to cope? What will happen when others find out? basically bulimic Ed and worried Roy and Al
1. Chapter 1

(A/N) Ok, so this is my first story really, so please forgive if its not really good and stuff. This is just one of those ideas that's been in my head a while and I really wanted to read a story like this, but I couldn't find one. So I made my own.

WARNINGS - bulimia, eating disorder, depression, anxiety, possibly self harm in the future

please don't read if any of this triggers you, I really don't want to upset anyone, I just wanna write.

This story goes to Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, but can be read if you've only seen Fullmetal Alchemist. Considering this, it contains spoilers for both, so read at your own risk

* * *

Chapter 1

Ed didn't feel... right.

He'd felt like shit since the incident with Shou Tucker, though it had only happened about a week ago. They were allowing Shou and Nina to stay at their house, under close supervision, while they decided what to do with Nina and while they for Shou's court date. But even so, Ed had felt different since it happened. Wrong.

How could a man sacrifice his only family, his daughter, for a fucking title? One not even worth much? It baffled Ed.

Ever since he'd realized what Shou had done to Nina, Ed had felt this.. dark cloud, sort of, in the middle of his chest. It was constantly there no matter where he went or what he did. The mass was heavy and weighed down everything Ed did. His arms, his step, his smile. The mass was always there, and always made itself know. Ed hated it. It put a limit on what he could enjoy. Scratch that, it kept him from enjoying anything. From the kind words of his brother bound in armor, to the way he saw the world. Everything to him now was much more pointless than it had ever been, even more so than when he and Al had lost their bodies after trying to transmute their mom. After all, if he couldn't save one innocent girl from her own father, _while he was staying in the same house with them_ , how the hell was he supposed to believe in anything he did?

Ed was depressed. He'd never admit it, but deep down, he knew.

Ed laid on his bed in the dark in his and Al's shared room in the rooms they gave to the members of the military in Central. Even though it was 80 degrees outside and he was fully dressed, Ed was curled up under several blankets. He couldn't find much motivation to anything not truly important anymore. Well, to him, not really anything was important enough to make him leave his cocoon of blankets. He only did what was necessary to keep all the colonel off his back and his brother in the dark about his depression, whether it be going on missions, researching with his brother, or doing paperwork.

Right now Al was out looking for lieutenant Riza. The younger brother wanted to talk to her about what was going to happen to Nina and Shou. _I hope Shou rots in hell for eternity for what he's done,_ Ed thought. He hoped the opposite for Nina. Ed felt he didnt deserve to know such a pure soul. He didnt deserve anything, really. In his mind, he didnt deserve the clothes on his back, much less the chance to have known Nina.

All these self destructive thoughts raced through Eds mind as he laid there. He knew he should get up, do some research, find a way to get Al's body back. But he just couldn't bring himself to. The mass in his chest was preventing him from doing anything but wallow.

Suddenly, the door to the brothers dorm slammed open, causing Ed to nearly fall out of his bed.

"What the hell, Al?" Ed said as he turned towards the cause of all the commotion.

"Brother, we need to go, now!"Al practically yelled.

"What?"

"I was at the command center when all these soldiers started running out to the cars with huge guns, yelling about Scar."

"So?" Ed said, annoyed.

"They were headed for the Tucker estate, brother!"

Ed's eyes widened at that. Without a word he ran out the door, his brother right behind him, to the Tucker Estate.

Ed ran faster than he though possible. What had scar done, why was he at the Tucker estate? Where was Nina? Ed pushed these thoughts away and ran harder.

Finally, Ed and Al arrived at their destination. Which was now a crime scene.

"What happened here?!" Ed asked one of the officers posted outside the house angrily.

The officer, recognizing the state alchemist, replied, "Scar was here. Left one hell of a mess, too."

"Was anyone injured?!"

"The guards that were posted outside are in the hospital with minor injuries, but two bodies were found on the second floor."

Al gasped, taking several steps back. Ed's breath caught in his throat. _No no no no no, this cant be happening,_ he thought. _This isnt happening!_

Without a word, Ed bolted past both guards at the door, running into the estate and up the stairs, ignoring the yells behind him.

He ran into room with all the soldiers near it, fast enough that they couldnt stop him from running into the room.

The room that held Shou and Nina Tucker's dead bodies.

* * *

Blood.

It was everywhere.

The walls, the floor, even the window. Nina's blood was everywhere.

 _She's dead. She's dead._

"What the hell is Fullmetal doing here?! Get him out, now!" Colonel Mustang yelled.

Ed hadnt even noticed the colonel was here. He couldn't get past how much blood there was. It was like a bomb had gone off inside each of their heads. _In Nina's head. Oh god, she's really dead. Oh god!_

Ed felt sick. Physically sick. Two officers were just about to grab him to get him out, but they didnt need too. For the third time that day, Ed ran.

He ran down the stairs, out the door, past his screaming brother, past the yelling officers. He ran.

That was all he could do.

He ran with no destination in mind. He ran, and ran, and ran, until he couldn't anymore, and fell to his knees in some dark alleyway, he had no idea where. His stomach did flips, and he ended up puking up his dinner right then and there.

Ed was out of breath, eyes screwed shut from throwing up. After he finished emptying his stomach, he sat against the wall of the alley, panting. It was then that he realized something. Something that would forever change his life.

He realized that he felt better, physically and emotionally better, after puking.

Ed didn't know how or why, but he felt slightly better after throwing up in that alley. It was like a sudden calm washed over him as he sat there next to his puddle of vomit. A calm he hadn't felt since his mom was alive. This feeling, whatever it was, made it easier to think, easier to breathe. So thats what he did.

Ed sat there in the alley for a good hour, not crying or wishing he were dead, just thinking. About how hard he was going kick Scars ass, about how he would fix his brother. Ed didn't know where this sudden motivation came from. But one thing he did know now is that he was an idiot for running away like he did, because now his brother would surley go looking for him, maybe even the colonel, and with Scar still out there, Ed feared for their saftey. So he forced himself onto shakey legs and headed towards central command, wherever that was.

After wandering for 20 minutes, Ed found his way to central command. He was hoping to a non existant god that the Mustang had the sense to take Al and himself to central command rather than go looking for Ed.

Thankfully, as Ed walking into the building, an officer immediatly told him he was wanted in Colonel Mustangs office right away. Ed thanks the officer and hurridly walked to the colonels office.

As he walked to Roy's office, he felt the eyes of every officer on him. Ed kept his head down and walked faster, not allowing himself to dwell on what the officers were thinking about him. That was yet another side effect of the mass in his chest. It made him feel like everywhere he went, everyone was staring and thinking horrible things of him. As he walked to the colonels office, however, he didn't feel this as much as he usually did. He knew they were looking at him, but he wasn't as worried about what they were thinking about him as he usually was. As he neared his destination, he realized what had lessened this. It was the churning of his empty stomach. He knew it sounded crazy, but it was comforting, somehow. It gave him something to focus on, and Ed liked that.

He didn't even stop outside the colonels office to ponder over just how much trouble he would be in. Nope, he walked straight in, no hesitation, all thanks to the empty churning in his guts.

The colonel was sitting at his desk, phone in hand. Ed would have guessed he was about to make a call. Ed let out a sigh of relief as he saw his brother sitting on the couch across from the colonel.

"Brother!" Al shouted. "You're alright!" Alphonse jumped out of his seat and ran to his brother, nearly choking him as he hugged him.

"Al, let me go." Ed said, his voice muffled by his armored brother. Al finally released him, them proceeded to punch him in the face.

"What the hell were you thinking, you idiot! Running off like that, Scar is still out there!"

"Jesus, Al," Ed said, rubbing his check. "Think you could have hit me any harder?"

"Fullmetal, where were you?" Mustang piped in, setting the phone down on the receiver.

Ed hesitated, not wanting to go into detail about what had happened with Roy. "It's none of your business." He said.

"Brother," Al said, about to scold his brother for speaking to the colonel that way. Roy interrupted him before he could finish.

"First of all, Edward, unless you want to loose your job, I wouldn't speak to your superiors that way." Ed gritted his teeth at that, but said nothing.

"Second, considered I sent several of my own men out to find you, while Scar is still at large, I think it is my business where you were."

Ed sighed. He was right, he did owe the colonel quite a lot. "I was in the east part of the city. I was.. I mean, I wasn't there purposely, I just kind of, ended up there." Ed took a deep breath, looking down at his feet. "After I saw the, uh... the bodies.. I just, I don't know. I wasn't thinking. So I ran, and I ended up in an alley in the east part of central where I realized I shouldn't have been stupid enough to run away like that, then I came back here." Ed left out the part about him puking being the reason he was able to think clearly. It really wasn't important, right? "I'm sorry, colonel," Ed said, looking back up at Roy. " I didn't mean to put anyone in danger."

"Anyone but yourself, you mean?" Ed clenched his jaw, but said nothing. Roy sighed. "Go back to your room, Ed. Get some food, sleep. I'm giving you two days leave, but after that I want you back here ready to work. Got it?"

Ed was taken back, as was Al. Ed was expecting to get chewed out, maybe even punished for running. He certainly wasn't expecting to get time off. "Uh, yeah, sure Mustang."

"Ok, good. Now get out of here." With that, Ed and Al walked out of Roy's office and towards their room.

After a few minutes of walking, Alphonse spoke up. "Brother, are you alright?"

"What? Yeah, why?" Ed asked.

"Nothing, it's just, your legs are trembling. You look like your about to fall over."

"I'm ok, Al. It's just because I ran so much earlier. We're almost to the room, I'll be fine."

"Ok, Ed, if you're sure."

And, true to his word, a few minutes later the Elric brothers arrived at their room. Ed immediately collapsed on his bed, not even bothering to take off his shoes or pick up the blankets that had fallen on the floor earlier that day.

"Brother, the colonel said you should probably eat something."

"I'm ok, Al, I just really want to sleep. I'll get something later, ok?"

"Ok, but I'm holding you to that, Ed."

"Whatever," Ed said, his eyes drifting closed. He was asleep in minutes.

Alphonse walked over to his older brother, gently sliding his boots and coat off him, then picking the blankets off the floor and covering Ed up with them. "Goodnight, brother," Al said as Ed drifted off into a deep sleep.

* * *

(A/N) So, what did you think? Anything anyone has to say would be greatly appreciated, Id like to learn to improve, and feedback is always nice. Thank you so much for reading. I should post the next chapter soon, most likely in a day or two. Thanks again, I really appreciate it.


	2. Chapter 2

(A/N)Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I know I said a day or two, but I was sick and I had to work the entire time I was sick which made me more sick and anyway my point is I'm not abandoning this story, nor shall I ever do that. Anyway, here's chapter 2. I didn't really have a set plan for what was going to happen, but I'm pretty happy with what came out, I hope you enjoy :)

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When Ed woke up the next morning, it took him a minute. He laid in bed, just laying, in that weird limbo between asleep and fully awake, when he remembered.

When he remembered Shou, and his horrible acts against his daughter. When he remembered Nina and Alexander.

When he remembered what their bodies had looked like splattered across the walls.

Ed was then wide awake, sitting up and rubbing his eyes with his flesh hand. He sat their for a minute, his hand over his eyes, thinking in depth about what had happened, going over all of it, as if maybe he could remember something that would prove none of it really happened, that it was just a dream.

"You ok?" Al asked from his bed, where he had been reading a book moments prior.

"It really happened? It wasn't a dream?" Ed asked, hand still over his eyes.

Al hesitated before he whispered a quite "yes."

Ed sighed, then flopped back onto his mattress, putting his forearm over his eyes.

So Nina was really dead then. Scar had really blown her and Shou's brains out. Ed didn't get it. Shou, he got. He was a state alchemist, after all. Ed got why Scar would've gone after him. But not Nina. Ed would never understand what could drive a man to kill someone like Nina.

"Brother, I was thinking we could go see the colonel later, maybe figure out our next move. I know he gave you a few days leave, and I'd much rather you take the time off-"

"I don't want time off," Ed said, interrupting his brother. Honestly, Ed didn't know what he wanted. He didn't want to go back to work, but he knew he couldn't lay around his dorm all day, especially if Al was going to be watching him so closely. It was almost like that was how Al coped with tragedy like this. He would always fuss over his brother, then follow him in whatever stupid plan Ed came up with to avenge whatever tragedy had befallen them. Like when Al had gone along with the plan to revive their mother.

"I didn't think you would," Al said with a sigh. "So let's go get you some breakfast and then head over to the colonel's office.

"I'm not really hungr-"

"You said you would eat later, Ed, and it's later. So we _are_ going to breakfast, then to the colonel's office."

Ed moved his arm off his eyes to look at his brother. Al was looking directly at him, and he knew he wouldn't back down. After all, he had said that. "Alright, Al. Let's go." Ed unwillingly got up and grabbed his red coat and boots, not changing considering he was still in his clothes from last night.

Ed and Al walked to the mess hall in silence. Ed had gone over all the events from last night over and over in his head, all except for the part where he saw Nina and Shou's bodies. He didn't want to think about that. But there was one part he just couldn't stop thinking about.

He couldn't stop thinking about when he vomited. It had made him feel so relived, and grounded when everything was spinning. How was that even possible? He'd just puked, probably from over exerting himself, it was normal. So why the hell was he so stuck on it? Why couldn't he stop thinking about it?

Ed's thoughts drew on as they approached the mess hall. When they finally got there, Al sat at one of the tables and continued to read from the book he'd brought earlier. It surprised Ed how... normal his brother was being. He didn't seem that upset about what had happened. Maybe the reading was helping to keep him occupied.

Ed went over to the buffet they always had set out for each meal and picked up a plate. He had no idea what to get, though. He wasn't lying when he had told Al he wasn't hungry. So he grabbed something simple, a spoonful of scrambled eggs and some toast and a glass of juice, because no way in hell he was getting milk.

He ate in silence as Al read his book, occasionally glancing up to make sure Ed was actually eating his food. Ed finished most of what he'd put on his plate, then got up and cleared his mess.

"I'm gonna go back to the dorm to shower, you can go ahead to see Mustang if you want, I won't be far behind."

"You didn't eat very much, Ed," Al said quietly.

"I told you I wasn't hungry. And quite nagging, Al, I'm fine. I'll meet you at Mustang's office," Ed said as he grabbed his coat off the back of the chair and headed back to his room. Al sighed as he watched his brother walk away. Maybe he should just give him some space, maybe then he'll come around. Al then got up and headed towards the colonel's office.

Ed got back to his dorm and then quickly dropped his clothes and got in the shower. Showers were one of the few things he actually enjoyed these days, the steaming water giving him a clearer head and time to think without his brothers watchful eyes on him. Ed thought again about the events of yesterday. About Al barging into their room, them running to the scene, him running away. Him puking.

It had felt so nice then. It had given him immediate and lasting relief from the feelings that had been rampaging his mind. He would do anything to feel that peace again. But he couldn't. Could he? It's not like it was wrong, puking was natural for the body.

Ed looked down at his flesh hand as hot water steamed down his back. He knew he could make himself puke. But wasn't that wrong? Damaging, even? But it would help him get though this whole ordeal, and it wasn't like he would be hurting anyone but himself.

And honestly, Ed didn't care much for what happened to him.

With that thought, Ed reached down his throat with his flesh had and puked.

* * *

It took Ed maybe 20 minutes to completely empty his stomach of the small breakfast he'd had earlier. Once he was sure he'd gotten everything, he stepped out of the shower on shaky legs and began to get ready to face the colonel. As he got dressed, he thought of how calming the churning in his gut was. It was a nice distraction and easy to focus on rather than think about the horrors that had happened yesterday as he left his dorm and headed towards where his brother and Mustang where waiting for him. He was so preoccupied that he hardly realized he was nearing his destination until he was standing outside Mustang's office.

Ed took a breath and walked in. All the voices stopped when he entered, but he refused to dwell on the fact that they stopped most likely because they were talking about him. He went and sat next to his brother on the couch in front of the colonel's desk.

"Fullmetal, I thought I told you to stay home," Mustang said as Ed sat down.

"Scar's still out there, and we need to catch him. That's all that matters."

"If that's what you want to do, then fine. Here," Roy said, handing a piece of paper to Ed. "This is all we have on him from the events of last night, maybe you can make something of it."

Ed took the paper from Roy and began to read, although it was rather difficult considering his hands wouldn't stop shaking enough for him to read the paper properly. Al didn't seem to notice this, but Roy did. He decided not to say anything. After all, Edward had just been though hell, there were bound to be side effects.

"Anything catch your eye?" Roy asked.

"It looks to me like he's simply attacking the state alchemists whenever he gets a good opportunity. At least, that's something we've figured out this far, right?" Ed said. He'd set the paper in his lap to be able to read it properly. Roy noticed that, too. "So he must have been heading somewhere near the Tucker estate, or wherever he was going, the house was on the way there. There's not much near there, though."

"Maybe he was leaving. He's got a lot of heat on him right now, maybe he was heading to the train station. The Tucker estate is on the way to the station," Al said.

"Yeah, that makes sense. Get out of town, kill a state alchemist on your way out. Sounds like something Scar would do," Mustang added. "But that doesn't tell us where he went once he reached the station, or if he was even going there."

"So me and Al will go ask around, see if anyone's seen him there."

"Alright, but I'm coming with you," Roy added.

"What? Colonel, we don't need a babysitter," Ed retorted.

"Brother-"

"The last time you two fought Scar by yourselves, you were completely physically destroyed, so I'm going with you two. That and I need a break from all this paperwork, I'm starting to go mad."

"Ugh, fine. Whatever. Let's go, Al." With that, Ed, Al, and the colonel all got up and began their walk to the train station.

"Thank you for coming, Colonel. I know you're only trying to help us. Ed won't say it but he's thankful too," Al said quietly to the Colonel as they left his office.

"You're welcome, Alphonse," Roy replied. And with that they all walked out of Central Command and towards the train station on the outside of town to investigate.

* * *

(A/N)So, whatcha think? Anything to add, any comments? I'd really love some feedback, to improve the story and all. Its for everyone to enjoy, so feel free to add your own comment.

BTW, Ed's hands and legs were shaking because of the rapid drop in his blood pressure. There are lots of different reasons as to why he would be shaking after purging, but I just wanted to put that out there for those of you that are interested. Anyway, thanks for reading. I don't know when I'll next update, but I promise I will update before Monday. Thank you guys again, I really appreciate when you read my stories.


	3. Chapter 3

(A/N) I know, I'm a day late. I was going to post yesterday, but I didn't like the way I wrote this chapter, so I left it to sit, and fixed it today and now I'm posting it. It's a little short, but I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this story. I mean I have and ending planned, but I'm still not quite sure what I'm going to write in the middle and how I'm going to build up and portray my ending. Anyway, here's the next chapter.

* * *

Chapter 3

It wasn't to far of a walk, hence why they decided not to take a car. They arrived at the station in less than 15 minutes, but Ed had felt dog tired after 5 minutes of walking. He didn't understand why he was so tired, he'd gotten a fair amount of sleep that night, and he hadn't done anything that day other than...

Oh.

So that's why he was so tired. Well, at least that's all it could be. Ed was use to the kind of tired depression gave you, but different. He wasn't mentally tired, he was physical exhaustion. His arms felt like they weighed a ton and every step took a tremendous amount of effort. he was surprised he hadn't just curled up on the sidewalk and taken a nap right then and there.

Roy had noticed Ed lacking behind. "What, you're legs to short to keep up?" He'd said to him. His concern only increased when Ed only gave a grunt in response and quickened his pace. _Ed would never take a coment like than this cooly. Something's up,_ Roy thought. He decided that Ed's behaviour was probably due to what happened to Nina, and left it at that.

Apon arriving at the station, they noticed there were more people than usual. A lot more.

Generally, given that there were no holidays around this time, and that the weather was pretty neutral, there wouldn't be too many people. But the station was flooded with people today. Normally this would spike Edward's anxiety, having not been prepared to face so many people. But he was too damn tired to care today.

"Alright. Al, you and I will question some of these people, see if what they know and if they've seen anything. Fullmetal, you question the staff," Roy told them after they entered the station.

"Alright. Meet back here in an hour?" Al asked.

Roy nodded, and with that they went their separate ways, Roy and Al heading into the sea of people while Ed made his way to the ticket booth.

* * *

75 minutes later and Al and Mustang were starting to worry.

"Colonel, it's been 15 minutes, he should be here by now."

"I know, Al."

"We should split up and look for him, I mean what if something happened to him? You don't think Scar found him, do you?" Al asked.

"I honestly don't know. We shouldn't split up, just incase Scar is around, but we should go looking for him. We'll start at the booth."

"Right," Al replied, and they made their way over.

Roy walked right up to the desk, ignoring the people in line yelling about a line skipper. They all shut up once he flashed the receptionist his watch.

"I'm looking for a boy, blonde hair in a braid, gold eyes, about this tall," Roy said, holding his hand at about Ed's height. "He would have been wearing a red coat with black clothes underneath."

The receptionist nodded, pointing to a row of chairs behind them, where Ed was sitting.

Arms crossed, chin to his chest, and fast asleep.

"He came over looking for that Scar guy you've been trying to catch," the receptionist explained. "I told him I hadn't seen him, but that someone else was working yesterday. He asked to speak with the receptionist from yesterday, and I had him sit over there while I went to get her. He was like that when I came back. He looked so peaceful, I didn't want to wake him."

Roy looked back to the receptionist after her explanation. "Thank you," he said simply, then walked over to where Ed was sitting. Well, sleeping.

"Did he sleep last night?" Roy asked Al.

"Yeah, 8 hours straight. He was so tired after everything that had happened, I don't know why he'd be tired now."

"Hmm," Roy thought for a minute. "Al, go over and see if the receptionist from yesterday knows anything. I'll deal with Ed."

"Sure thing," Al said, heading over to the ticket booth once more.

 _I wonder why this kid is so tired. He got plenty of sleep. Maybe he needs to eat._ _Only one way to find out,_ he thought. "Fullmetal, wake up," He said loudly, leaning down to shake the sleeping alchemist's shoulder.

Ed woke with start, nearly smacking heads with Mustang, who stepped back quickly enough to avoid clashing with Edward's face.

"Easy Edward, it's just me," Roy said as he stepped back.

Ed looked up. "What? What happened?" He asked, voice heavy with sleep.

"We were looking for Scar, remember? You fell asleep," Roy said.

"Ah, shit," Ed cursed, trying to rub the sleep from his eyes. "I just closed my eyes for a second, I swear.."

"Yeah, whatever you say. Well, nobody here saw anything, and your brother's talking to the receptionist now. It doesn't seem like he was here, though. I'm sure someone would have noticed a face like his."

Just then, Al returned, informing them that the receptionist from the other day hadn't seen anything.

"Well, I guess this is a dead end then. Shit," Ed cursed again.

"Fullmetal, your language," Ed simply glared at him. "Anyway, I'm starving. You two wanna go get some late lunch? My treat."

Normally, Ed would jump at free food, but he simply had no appetite for some reason. "I don't know, Mustang.."

"C'mon, we're going whether you want to or not," Roy said, grabbing Ed's wrist to pull him out of his seat and dragging him towards the café in the station.

* * *

Ed had ordered a simple sandwich, Roy a sub, and Al of course, nothing. They sat at an empty table nearby and began to eat their lunches.

Roy watched as Ed picked at his sandwich, taking small bites every now and again. By the time Roy finished his, Ed had demolished his entire sandwich, and had only eaten about half of it.

"Not hungry?" He asked, causing Al to look at his brother worriedly.

"No, I'm not," he retorted, getting up to throw his trash away. Honestly, Ed really wanted to puke right now. He didn't like how the food was sitting in his stomach, weighing him down. He knew he couldn't get away from Roy and Al long enough to throw it up, though, so he kept in it.

He kept it in as they made their way back towards central command, back to Roy's office. It made him feel like crap, but he kept it in.

The entire walk back to Roy's office, he regretted keeping it down. As he said bye to Roy and headed back to his dorm, he regretted it. As he laid in his bed while Al went to get documents to help them find Scar, he regretted it.

He regretted it so damn much, he knew he couldn't stand doing it again.

* * *

(A/N) Alright, so no Scar yet. What are they gonna do about it? What does Roy think of Ed's suspicious behavior? Also, this story is going to be more of Ed and Roy then Ed and Al, hence why Roy is the only one really concerned and everything. They're not going to date, at least not in this story. It's more of a Parental!Roy story. Anyway, thanks for reading, I really appreciate it. Again, I will update by Monday. Thank you so much again, guys. If you have any questions or anything, just ask, I'd be happy to answer them.


	4. Chapter 4

(A/N) Alright, chapter 4. I think I'll do maybe 1, 2 more chapters, wrap it up. I really enjoy writing this, just gotta find the motivation to. I'll post the next chapter on Monday. As always, thank you for reading, I seriously appreciate it so much. Anyway, read on!

* * *

Chapter 4

Ed had no idea just how much his life would be impacted by puking.

It'd been a little over a month since Ed had seen Nina and Tucker at the crime scene, one month since he'd started throwing up everything he ate. Honestly, it wasn't much. He didn't enjoy food, not like he use to anyway. Ed only ate if he knew he'd be able to get away later to relieve himself of it. He knew it wasn't right, but it made him feel so much better about everything.

Which is what led to him leaning over the toilet in his bathroom that night with his fingers down his throat.

Alphonse had gone out to feed the stray cats outside the command center, like he usually did at this time. Today, it happened to be after he brought Ed take away from the resteraunt down the street. Al had noticed how little Ed was eating, so he made it a point to make sure Ed ate at least once a day.

And Ed made it a point to make sure he could throw it up after.

After he finished puking the sandwich Al had gotten him, he cleaned up his mess and got in the shower on shaky legs. That was another thing Ed had learned. Afer he purged, he was always shaking and very tired. It was managable, he'd gotten use to it after all, but if he could he'd usually go to sleep after. Today he considered himself pretty lucky, and after he finished his shower he put on his pajamas and went diretly to bed, not waiting for Al to get back.

Al came back from feeding the cats to find his brother fast asleep in his bed. Al was worried about his brother, he'd been acting weird since the incident with Shou and Nina. He understood that grief was a horrible thing, and he felt it too, but Ed wasn't acting like he was grieving. Actually, Al was pretty sure he wasn't dealing with Nina and Shou's death. He refused to talk about how he felt, which was how Ed usually was, but most of the time he'd give in to his brothers constant questions and tell Al what was bothering him, but not this time. Ed had been more reserved and quiet than usual. He hardly ever ate, and Al could tell he didn't enjoy the food like he use to. He made sure to bring his brother something everyday, sometimes Ed would eat it then, sometimes he would wait until Al went somewhere to eat it. Al had voiced his worries to the Colonel, who told him he'd keep an eye on Ed but not to worry too much, after all Ed had been through a lot.

Al sat on his bed with a sigh and began to read one of his books, waiting for morning when he and Ed were to see the Colonel for work.

* * *

The next morning had been interesting to say the least,

Al had woken Ed up half and hour before they needed to leave, and Ed had spent most of the time going back to sleep, despite his brothers constant nagging. After Al had practically dragged Edward from his bed, Ed groggily dressed and started to head for the door.

"Brother, what about breakfast? You should really eat," Al had said as his brother neared the door.

"I just wanna get this stupid meeting over with, Al. Besides, I'm not hungry."

"Ed, you never are! Every time I say something about it you just say your not hungry or avoid me. You need to eat."

"Don't be over dramatic, I eat."

"Not like you should."

Ed clenched his jaw and walked out the door, not wanting to talk about this with his brother. Since he'd started purging, food always gave him anxiety, whether it was talking about it, looking at it, or eating it. Purging helped get rid of the anxiety that came with the latter.

"You know what, Ed? You wanna be that way, then fine! Ill leave you be and you can just do whatever the hell you want since apparently you don't care about what happens to you!" Al yelled at him, then slammed the door Ed had just walked out of.

Ed stood, eyes wide. Al had never yelled at him like that before. Ed sighed, then started on his way to the colonels office on his own. _Al's right,_ Ed thought. _All he's ever tried to do his help and all I've ever done is give him shit for it. But he can't know. It'll only hurt him, and he's been through enough. This was never meant to hurt anyone. Well, anyone but me._ Ed gave a sad chuckle at that thought. _I guess Al was right. I really don't care what happens to me._

Ed looked up to realize he was already at Roy's office. He mentally prepared himself for the lecture he was bound to get from Roy. Ed hadn't done much in the way of work in the past month. He was only really interested in Scar, and there had been absolutely _nothing_ in the past month. He'd simply... disappeared. And Ed had been too busy with.. other matters to really work properly.

Roy looked up as his door opened, watching as Edward walked in. Roy was taken aback, he was ready to lay into Edward about his lack of work ethic when he arranged this meeting. He hadn't seen Ed in nearly a month, they'd only had short, one sided calls since. And Edward looked like hell.

His face was pale and thin, and he had dark bags under his eyes. He looked so fragile, much different from the Edward Mustang had grown accustom to. It was actually kind of scary how different he looked.

"Alright, I'm here Mustang. What did you want?" Ed asked, sitting on the couch in front of Roy's desk. He normally wouldn't be so rude to him, but he was tired and cold, more so than usual, and he just didn't feel right.

Roy sat and looked at Ed for a minute, not saying anything. Just looking. "What?" Ed asked. He couldn't tell what the colonel was thinking, and he hoped he wasn't thinking too much on Ed's state of mind. Ed knew he looked like shit, he just didn't care.

"We're going out," Roy announced.

"What?" Ed asked again, surprised at the sudden statement.

"We are going out. And no, you don't have a choice," Roy said, standing up and grabbing his coat. "Now come on, let's go," Roy said, making his way to where Ed sat.

Ed rolled his eyes, annoyed. He really didn't want to go anywhere, but he knew Roy wouldn't give him a choice if he was set on them going wherever the hell it is he wanted them to go.

Ed stood up, stumbling as his vision swam and he became dizzy. He would have fallen flat on his face if Roy hadn't caught him as he listed forward.

"Whoa," he said as he caught the boy in his arms. As Roy grabbed him, he could feel how skinny he was. He wasn't deathly thin, but he'd definitely lost weight. "Edward, you ok?"

"I'm fine," Ed had said, his voice rather airy. "I'm fine, Mustang, get off me," he stated, pushing Roy's hands off and away from him. The dizziness had gone and Ed started to walk out the door, not wanting Roy to question him.

Roy watched as the kid who had nearly just fainted walked out the door rather unsteadily. Something was definitely wrong. Al had told Roy about how Ed had been acting strange lately, about how weird he was around food. He'd chalked it up to grief, but now he knew something was off. People who were simply grieving didn't go around nearly passing out after standing up.

Roy collected his bearings, and went out the door after Ed, hoping he hadn't gone far. Thankfully Ed was waiting outside for him.

"Where are we going exactly? " He asked as Roy approached. Ed had wanted to run. He wanted to go back to his dorm, away from the prying eyes of his superior. But honestly, the dizziness had scared him a bit, and he was too tired to walk back. He knew he was damaging his body the way he was going, but it couldn't be that bad, could it?

"You'll see," Roy replied, and he ushered Ed into his car and began to drive.

Roy had a plan, of sorts. He wasn't stupid, he knew there was a reason for Ed almost fainting. He also knew that Ed most likely knows why he almost fainted, but won't say, for reasons Roy was find out about. He had a feeling Ed was falling, and he sure as hell wasn't going to stand by and watch.

* * *

(A/N) Thoughts? Id really appreciate your opinion, its hard to tell from my view if this story is coming across well and if it makes sense to you readers and if I worded it alright and all that. But yeah, I'll upload on Monday, and I'll probably only do a couple more chapters. So, see ya next week!


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